HOW TO GET A GUY.
They are intimidated by you, so you will have to break the ice.
If you are out, be rude, ignore him, get mad when he says something nice, blame him for spilling your drink after you knocked it over, storm away. He’ll come and get you. If he doesn’t, go back to your old spot and look bored and annoyed (and cute) until he apologizes. Roll your eyes and make lots of cute mad faces, perhaps even accuse him of being a stalker, but give him your number anyway. He’ll call.
Not good at being rude? Well, play dumb, even if you have a degree from Harvard…but be adorable. Guys hate girls that are smarter than they are. Assume he is dumb as fuck, then act dumber than that. Laugh a lot even if nothing is funny and twirl your hair. This method is usually recommended for those skinny bitches with low self-esteem, you know, the kind that were ugly or fat in junior high and never really got over it.
Last ditch effort? Throw yourself upon him once you’ve had enough to drink…promise sex. Just before you go back to his place (or his car), throw up, preferably because you’ve been making yourself throw up since the 7th grade rather than because you’ve actually had too much to drink. He’ll hold your hair back and take care of you. Guys will do just about anything when they think they’re gonna get some. He’ll call the next day and ask you out, but never, ever give up the nookie after that. Say you are not normally like that and tell him you think one of his friends rufied your drink. Getting your drink rufied is a complement to your desirability, and he will recognize this.
KEEPING THE GUY – MAKE HIM WANT YOU.
Look like wife material, even though you are not.
Insist on an exclusive relationship, even if you don’t want one. After he’s purchased you those Jimmy Choo shoes you’ve always wanted, cook a meal and burn it so he thinks you are trying to be wife material, but just suck at it. It’s adorable. After this, you can go bang the hot gardener, so long as he doesn’t know. Then go out shopping again tomorrow with his credit card.
Draw attention to yourself. Don’t let him forget how hot you are.
Wear high heels at every possible moment, then complain about how bad they hurt. Don’t ever, ever, take them off, it will ruin the outfit, and thus the adorableness. He will appreciate your can-do attitude and your long legs.
Do not eat your whole meal, ever, under any circumstances. Even if it is a garden salad with fat free dressing on the side, do not eat the whole thing. Say how full you are, then point at the fat girl sitting next to you. This will remind him how lucky he is to be with someone as skinny as you are.
When you meet his parents, flirt with his dad, but don’t let him see. His dad will LOVE you. His mom will hate you, but she won’t know why. His dad won’t say anything, because he likes the attention. Your man will sense competition from his dad, though it will be subliminal, and make him want you more. His mom will probably say to him that she doesn’t like you, but this will give him the feeling he’s dating a bad girl, and guys like that. Plus, his mom is just jealous because you are hot and skinny, and you wouldn’t ever want to pass up the opportunity to make another woman jealous.
Try to be one of the guys, but fail adorably miserably at it.
Swear in a cute, meek voice, especially when it’s not appropriate time to swear. But don’t swear angry, it makes you look fat.
When he invites you to his superbowl party, show up wearing a kids’ size football jersey, booty shorts and knee high socks with black lines under your eyes. If you can, ask if anyone wants a beer or pretzels right in the middle of the most important play of the game, then walk directly in front of the TV. He will hate that you interrupted the play, but you are bringing beer…so it balances out. Not to mention that you look adorable and all his friends know it and want you. That makes him want you more.
LOSING THE GUY
Since you’ve probably been cheating on him since the beginning anyway, stage it so he finds you having sex with someone way hotter than he is, preferably older too…maybe even his dad. This is the recommended way. Since you’ve never had sex with him, it will keep him secretly wanting you because he wanted it from the first time he held your hair back. It will really boost your profile in the dating community.
Thanks for reading my terrible attempt at a creative outlet….
Disclaimer: if you are a teenage girl that doesn’t know what satire means…as far as you’re concerned, it means don’t follow this advice.
