What a weird fucking month
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To start off this new year, my apartment was broken into. This has already been the subject of many-a-blog, but the event led to me barricading my door, carrying mace into the kitchen to cook, sleeping with a hammer, not leaving my house for a week because I was afraid someone was going to steal my cat. I have also racked up about some hefty cab fares this month for fear of walking to the bus stop at night, even early night. It never really bothered me before. The paranoia has basically subsided, but it’s still sort of there…getting better though.
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In this month, it has become incredibly clear to me that my husband and I really are officially on our own. It sort just sort of hit me. I’ve been living independently pretty much since my sophomore year of college, but have always felt that I could fall back on my parents, or Derek on his, if we really needed it. They helped us with our wedding, even though we didn’t ask, and numerous other things smaller things. As is probably the case with many other people in this recession, that safety net isn’t really there anymore. We have a decent savings for being perpetual students, but I just realized how much money this isn’t this month, which leads into the next eventful thing.
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On Monday of this week, my husband called me. I thought it was because he was going to buy plane tickets to come and visit, because we had just talked about it on Sunday. He found our dachshund who lives with him paralyzed at home and called me from the emergency vet. They weren’t sure what exactly was wrong with her, but knew it was something to do with her spine; they had to do some invasive tests to figure it out and would do the appropriate surgery right after the test since she would already be under.
We had to lay out the whole plan of deciding what to do before they did anything. It wasn’t easy because she is an old dog, anesthesia is a huge risk for old animals and there was a possibility it could have been a tumor. If it were a tumor, it’s unlikely that surgery or other treatment would improve the quality of her life for long. If it were something with the spine itself, surgery was an option, but only had a 50-70% success rate. On top of that, the surgery could irreversibly paralyze her. Let’s not forget that we are talking about a vet here, so the surgery also is very expensive. Expensive in the way that it is on the threshold where you are weighing your dogs life with financial security, and in today’s economy, that is important.
Weighing all of these options in one afternoon was not very much fun. It really sucks to weigh how much you can afford against your dogs life.
This happened with my cat too about 2 years ago. We had much, much, much less money then and he was clearly ill…a quick decline of about 2 months. I chose to euthanize him because we simply could not afford the treatments and surgery he would need to extend his already long life by a very short time, with little promise of actual improving the quality of it. I also saw it in his eyes, that he was trying to die. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I do not regret doing it. I did what was best for my cat, given the circumstances.
Anyway, it turned out she had a herniated disk that was inhibiting motor functions, and we opted for the surgery. It was worth it, because she survived it and seems to be improving. Only time will tell if she makes a full recovery, but as long as she is happy and not in pain, we can deal with whatever extra attention she will need – she is alive.
It sounds like a really awful thing to say, but it was difficult parting with that money when there was no guarantee it would work. However, I don’t know if I could have lived with putting down a dog who just the day before was healthy as could be, and since we had the money, I knew we had to try. I didn’t get to see her because she is with my husband, but I don’t imagine she had the same look in her eyes that my cat did.
Luckily, we have human health insurance so we don’t have to worry about situations like this. I can’t imagine what families go through when this happens to people.
The part that really scares me though, is now that our liquid savings is in it’s depleted state, what if something else happens? What if our families need our help? Which relates back to the previous section. It just made me realize how fragile everything is.
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I have also learned that someone I care about attempted suicide. I still haven’t fully digested this one yet and am not ready to write about my feelings regarding it.
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On a lighter note, I am moving in with a lovely married couple to finish out my research. No, I am not moving out of the city because my place was broken into. I love the city and would love to stay here, but my lease is up and it would be incredibly expensive to find a short term lease here. They offered, they are cool, so I accepted. This makes the “weird fucking month” post because when I actually think about it, it’s weird. I am moving in with two people who are married. I think of all of the weird shit that my husband and I do at home and realize that I will probably witness some their weird shit, though I feel like I’ve already seen plenty of their weird shit. I also sort of feel like “that girl” who doesn’t have her life together and has to crash with friends. It will be more fun than weird though, but I had to note it because this just doesn’t happen every month.
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Resolutions update.
I have been working hard on my dissertation – six hours of real actual work every weekday. I haven’t been totally miserable doing it, but I don’t know if I can say if I am enjoying it. Maybe occasionally. I remember once instance this month of feeling happy doing research. I am just doing it, but it’s better than I’ve felt about it ever, so that’s a start to enjoying doing my research.
What is good is even with this nutjob month, I have kept my focus. I have not missed an hour of work. This is incredible progress for me, because I am a serious tense-afraid type procrastinator. Here is the description, with the parts left out that do not describe me, courtesy of wikipedia
The tense-afraid type of procrastinator usually feels overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals and many other negative feelings. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it’s better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. They usually have grandiose plans that aren’t realistic. Their ‘relaxing’ is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, penciled into the following day or week in the diary again and again.
I have also been keeping up with ballet. Classes start next week, I am excited. I haven’t been working out at the gym as much as I would like, but ballet is a pretty good work out.
I’m not sure if I am being a better wife or not. I’m not even really sure what that means, it’s a pretty vague resolution, since I am at least a decent wife to begin with. Anyway, probably not any better than usual. My dissertation has kind of put me in the self-absorbed state, which I don’t really like.
